Grieving Practices
Processing Loss and Pain Through Religion and Ritual
Interview by Kathy Potts
Robin Stillwater and her partner, Rob Friedman, are both leaders in separate congregations who play a major role in supporting families through grief. Robin is an ordained minister in the Unitarian Universalist tradition and a hospice chaplain whilst Rob is now a Reform Jewish rabbi and chaplain serving with the United States Navy. Having worked with many families, Robin and Rob discuss their experiences dealing with grief and the importance of developing rituals and practices to prepare for and work through loss and grief.
Kathy: What events trigger people to seek your support as a grief counsellor?
Rob: People grieve whenever there is a loss of attachment. I've had people come to me with everything from the death of a loved one, a friend or a family member to a breakup, to loss of a prized possession or a death of an animal. Any time that we lose an attachment or we lose the possibility of a future, we go through a grieving process.
Kathy: Have you noticed some common or surprising responses and behaviours in people who are grieving?
Robin: What society often doesn't understand about grief is that it's a really wide range of what's normal. Especially in the moment of grief, there is no surprising reaction, there is no common or uncommon. Oftentimes what is not normal depends on the duration of intensity. If someone is still really clearly holding on five years later, that's potentially a little bit concerning,
Rob: We talk about how there are these five stages or five common ways in which people grieve – sadness, anger denial, bargaining and acceptance. I have felt each one of those emotions, and I have seen them in people I've worked with. It could be that one person camps out in one emotion for two months, or they could pinball between all five in a 20 minute period.
I think the most common thing I've seen around grief actually has less to do with the people who are grieving and more to do with the people around them, which is that people don't know what to say.
Robin: People often just kind of disappear because they don't know what to do or say and they feel like they're going to do or say the wrong thing.
Kathy: So what would you say to someone who is grieving?
Robin: “I don't even know what to say, but I'm so glad you reached out to me” or “I'm so glad that I'm able to be here with you.”
Rob: “I'm sorry for your loss, and if there are ways that I can support you through action, words or presence, I will gladly do so.”
Kathy: Do you think that society as a whole has a healthy interaction with grief and a healthy way of viewing it and processing it?
Rob: Does society handle grief well? Absolutely not. And it's even worse for men. The concept of toxic masculinity and real men not crying – it’s garbage. In the military I'm interacting mostly with young men, and many of them grow up with this notion of being strong and not shedding tears. They're eliminating one of those methods of grief, which is sadness. A lot of what I do is give them the permission to feel sad and to cry. Some of the biggest stars in basketball, football, whatever cry on national TV. So if those are the epitome of men in society and they're crying, why can't you?
Kathy: Do you find that the rituals and processes in religion and the community are helpful to families and individuals when they're grieving?
Robin: Unfortunately, a lot of people were raised in religious communities that didn't handle loss well. I do think ritual is really, really helpful. There are Catholic patients who are in late-stage Alzheimer's who can't remember anything else, but can still recite the prayers, like a muscle memory. I think that is really helpful for the family members in those moments.
Ritual also tells the community what to do, so they don't have to try to figure out what to do or say - it's given to them. It's really helpful because it allows a period that you need to be off work for bereavement. At least in America, a lot of companies offer no bereavement leave, or it's only three days for an immediate family member. And that's just not enough. If your parent dies, you're going to need more than three days!
Rob: Judaism is hyper-ritualized and the framework for grief is very set. When somebody dies, they don't have to worry about, “Oh my goodness, what do I do?” or “Do I have permission to feel this way?” Judaism's framework for it has already created that permission.
From the moment somebody dies until they're buried, all of the focus is on burying that individual, because it is the last gift that we can give them, to bury them with proper intention. The entire community's focus is then on comforting the mourners for the first week through shiva. It is the community's responsibility to give them food, to give them an ear, whatever it is that they need. We sit with them and we provide because that first week is going to be so raw and unpredictable for them. Through the rest of that first year, mourners are supposed to still mourn on a daily basis through certain prayers and to set aside time as much as possible to acknowledge the loss and the grief.
We have rituals for the family and the community for each of those stages of grieving. The point of the ritual and the prohibitions in Judaism is because we know you're going to feel sad and we don't want you to feel pressure to be happy.
Kathy: How is people's grief shaped by their faith or how does experiencing a loss alter people's faith?
Rob: People will question their faith. They will get angry at their God. Anger is one of the five main ways that people grieve. It could be anger at the situation, or other unresolved tension. In Judaism, as part of the grieving process, mourners are obligated to say a prayer called the Mourner's Kaddish, which talks nothing about grief, death or loss. It is a prayer that is all about praise of God. The hope is that even if you don't believe the words you're saying in your grief, you stand up and praise God. Eventually you start to believe again, and it helps counter any resentment that you might have. It's an inspiring thing to watch people go through it.
Kathy: A lot of people are at a loss in their grief. There's a need to find someone to hold responsible, someone to blame. And for some people with religion, God provides that outlet for them. Do you find some people end up turning their back on religion entirely?
Rob: Yes, especially if it is a shocking, sudden, or traumatic circumstance.
Robin: Oftentimes people seem to do better with grief, meaning that they can transform it into something helpful for them, when they're coming from a place of gratitude for the time that they did have with this person, for the lessons that grief has taught them. This is true of grief across the board. You see it all the time with people when they go through a divorce - they do better if they can transform it from a place of gratitude. This actually is a place where atheists, agnostics, and humanists do a really good job in seeing death as a gift.
Kathy: Do you find that transformation to acceptance and gratitude is something that comes up later in the grieving process?
Robin: In my experience it usually happens a little bit later. However, if you can see the loss coming, people often do what's called pre-grieving. They grieve ahead of that loss, then they can often come to that accepting place more quickly.
When people are in cultures that really push that narrative of, “praise God, they're in heaven now, this is such a joyful occasion now they're with their higher power” - it denies the grief. I have seen that get in the way of healthy grieving pretty much every time. There has been a loss and you deserve to feel sad about it. You deserve to be angry.
Rob: Judaism also talks about gratitude in grieving. From the moment the person dies, we use the phrase of ‘blessed memory’ or ‘may their memory be a blessing’ as a way to start framing appreciation for their life, and their impact in our lives. It is meant to be both an acknowledgment of the blessing they have had on me as well as a charge to bring that same blessing into the world myself in their memory…
Rob cont…: So if somebody is full of life and full of love, then the moments where I am loving are moments of making their memory lasting, whether or not I use their name in those actions. The blessing that they have had on me now gets carried forward.
Kathy: How has the ritual aspect of religion changed in the time of COVID?
Rob: For Judaism, it's made it quite difficult. If grief is meant to be this communally shared responsibility and comforting, then mourning is meant to be this communally shared responsibility which we do in person. But we can't do that currently. We have zoom memorials, zoom funerals, and set times to be able to go in and have a virtual shiva. But zoom is not natural, it's forced and this makes it difficult.
Kathy: There have been restrictions during the pandemic on people going into hospital or hospice to say goodbye to their loved ones, how have you found that has impacted people's grieving processes?
Robin: It’s all more complicated and isolating in the time of COVID. If someone dies from old age or a progressive disease, there's plenty of time to say goodbye. But for so many people with COVID, it's really sudden – they go from fine to dead in two weeks. It's just completely discombobulating. So to facilitate some sort of farewell, I've seen in hospitals where the staff hold the phone up to the person who is dying and the family can say goodbye that way, and that's often really touching and meaningful.
Kathy: Do you think that having that tangible moment of seeing someone pass helps with acceptance more than perhaps avoiding the trauma of seeing somebody?
Robin: There is a chemical change that happens in the brain specifically around death. When we see the person's body after they have died, it flips a switch in the brain to help us understand and accept that they really are dead and gone. Often there's this question of should I see the body? When in doubt, go see the body. If you're questioning whether or not you should let your kids see the body, let your kids see the body.
Kathy: Aside from ritual and community, what else helps with the process of grieving?
Robin: I don’t think we appreciate the role of transitional objects enough in grief. Transitional objects are associated with children when they're starting to separate from their parents - they have a blanket or a stuffed animal that helps them feel secure and remind them of the love that they experienced. But transitional objects are totally things for adults too. Like a coffee mug or a Christmas ornament or heirlooms. They're really helpful to the grieving process.
Kathy: How long do people grieve and seek your support after a loss?
Robin: If it's an expected death, two years is the normal grieving time. If anything was different - if the person was young, if it was unexpected, if you didn't get to say goodbye, if it was traumatic - any of that lengthens the grieving time. Often in society it's like, “Oh, well they died a year ago, are you still struggling to get over it?” Well, no, that’s not reasonable, it takes a minimum of two years to really start recovering a functioning self.
Rob: This is my favorite metaphor, that grief is a shipwreck. When it first happens, you are dragged under the water with choppy waves and you are doing everything in your power just to climb to the surface and catch a breath. When you do, another wave is going to smack you right back down, and that's going to keep happening for a while until you can finally peek your head up long enough to find a piece of the shipwreck and cling to it. You might still get knocked around by the waves, but after time as the storm settles, you're going to be able to look around and breathe with a little bit more regularity. You could start predicting the pattern of the waves and to figure out when that next big wave is going to come and smack you. It might be a birthday; it might be an anniversary. But you’ll start to figure it out and start riding the waves more steadily. You're going to have your ups and downs, and you're still going to get smacked around from time to time, but it becomes much more predictable and manageable.
Kathy: You’re exposed to people going through these life-altering and traumatic experiences and you’re supporting them. How do you keep perspective and look after yourself emotionally? I imagine being exposed to this constantly could be quite exhausting.
Robin: It absolutely is. Chaplains and religious professionals and mental health professionals - anyone of those kinds of helping roles - are struggling. What helps is unique to the individual. For me, I have my list of bare minimum things that I know help, which involve physical movement, a spiritual program and connection.
Rob: Spiritual program is a fancy word for a really base concept, which is “what do I need to do on a daily, weekly or occasional basis to take care of myself?” For me, it comes down to mind, body and soul. What am I doing to nourish, exercise and rest my mind, my body and my soul? It's looking at the entirety of the self. Sometimes self-care is eating a pizza. Sometimes self-care is binge watching Netflix. Sometimes self-care is going on a four-mile run.
Rob: So much of how we have built self-care is through community and in a pandemic where you lose access to that, it becomes even more difficult. Isolation is killing us. Isolation leads to addiction and addiction leads to death. There are many, many people who have died due to isolation.
Robin: I did a sermon on loneliness and isolation before the pandemic started. And even then, we had a pandemic of loneliness, something like 40% of adults in the US reported feeling lonely sometimes or most of the time. And it has only gotten worse. So reaching out and connecting with other people is incredibly important right now.
Kathy: What is some advice that you regularly share with people after experiencing a loss?
Robin: I often tell people - don't argue with the tears. They come from someplace deep and they almost always matter. Tears are so frowned upon, but they are so healing and so cleansing. My other advice is to always reach out. Don't do this alone, it's too much for any one person to do.
Also, there are things we can do to prepare for loss that will make it so much easier. Number one is having a clear will stating what you want. I know the legal paperwork is annoying but it makes such a big difference. I cannot tell you how many times grief has been complicated because someone didn't have an appropriate will. Secondly, start talking about it early. I'm 30 and from about 22, I've had yearly conversations with my parents about what I would want, because it's my parents that will be making decisions for me. It's important to figure out who that person is for you and have that conversation with them. It can seem really morbid, but if God forbid something happens, you'll be really, really glad that you had that conversation.
Rob: My three that I often share are: number one, give yourself an allotted amount of time on a daily or weekly basis to sit with your emotions; number two, any emotion that you feel right now is completely valid and don't be ashamed of it; and number three, be patient with yourself. It's going to take time for you to get better or for you to adjust to this loss. Don't have expectations that you’ll “get back to it” after it’s been a shit month. Give yourself the time and be patient with yourself.